I'm back in London. I'm here for a week, a quick turnaround of laundry and social engagements. Of confronting real psychological disruption.
14 days ago, I boarded MV Plancius at Ushuaia port. A 10 day cruise to Antarctica and back.
I can't wax lyrical about the seventh continent. I can't talk about the surreal experience, or how it was like going into space, or the polar bug I caught.
Because I didn't catch the bug. It wasn't surreal. It wasn't lyrical.
It was snow, and ice. And penguins and whales and dolphins and seals and birds. And a horrible Drake's Passage and seasickness. And amazing vegan food but mostly no-amazingness.
There were Gentoo penguins on Danko Island.
And there were ice shelves in Neko Harbour.
And we cruised around Paradise Harbour.
And then I lost it.
It was brewing for a while. In Santiago and Buenos Aires, I felt lethargic and blamed it on the insane amount of gluten I was consuming. I spent so much time sleeping.
And very little has gotten to my heart the last two months. I didn't think Antarctica would, and it didn't.
But it did worse. It pushed my heart into darkness.
I always try to be transparent about my mental health but this is hard. Alcohol as a trigger, I tried crawling at times to railings to end my life in the freezing cold waters as we sped through the night. Staff stopped me. Staff gave me calming reassurance. Staff and I made tea at 3am. Staff took me to bed.
And I want to move past that. I'm not okay. I've started to wonder if I'll ever be okay, if the suicidal thoughts will inevitably win out.
But for the mean time, I survived the Drake's Passage twice and visiting Antarctica.
I made some good friends from across the globe. Drank a lot of Belgian beer. Ate some amazing vegan food. Seriously, amazing.
And I am back on land. Doing generally okay.
It wasn't that cold, but I had good gear. "There's no such thing as bad weather, just unsuitable gear", I was told by an Antarctic veteran on my first night.
If you like wildlife, and the cold, and the option to do polar plunges (yes, getting into freezing water), then go. But it wasn't for me and I should have known that.
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